I still get nervous.

For all the times I've taken the stage, my heart still thunders and my breath still catches before I start speaking.

I'm at The Moth and it's been months since I've been here. I came alone. The only other time I've done that was when it was hosted in another city for a special sort of "pop-up" event. I wound up coming in second that night, for telling a story that may or may not air on the Moth Radio Hour some time soon...

Tonight, though, I'm here because I want to be around the "thing." You know, the stories, the storytellers, the audience. Some people have a thing about dining alone. Not me. But I do historically have a thing about going to events alone. Something about that used to make me feel... self conscious? Maybe I've run out of fucks to give. I've been coming to these things for long enough now that this place feels like somewhere I belong.

I'd been sitting in the front row by the producer's table. They came over and gave me a hug before things got started. We talked and caught up and I smiled when I realized I was more of a regular than I'd given myself credit for. Part of telling myself that had been to hype myself up. I figured it was a white lie to help me feel more at ease. Especially since I'd put my name in to tell a story...

Yet, my heart thundered and my breath caught when my name got called.

After inhaling and exhaling for four seconds apiece, I set my shoulders back and walked to the mic with my head up. The spotlight seared my eyes and I smiled.

Before I know it, I'm in the middle of my story. I'm scanning the crowd and picking faces to talk to while I tell it. I'm keeping my feet planted, using hand gestures, and varying my cadence. Then I'm getting ready to hit my closing and my heart flutters.

While pausing briefly for effect, I let myself zoom out of the moment for just a second. I want to remember this—how it feels. I really love this shit. And I'm so glad I came, even if it meant doing it nervous and alone.

Because it didn't stay like that for long.

Not long at all.

* * *

I was in 1st place for most of the night, until the last two storytellers snagged 1st and 2nd place, respectively. But 3rd ain't bad... not bad at all.

onward.

For more on this daily column, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.