"Dude, I think you need a vice."

Welp, didn't see that one coming, but it's not like I disagree. I just hadn't really thought about it.

I'm walking through my neighborhood (my old neighborhood, the place I'm moving out of), and I'm surprisingly chilly in just my hoodie. Leaves crunch with each step and the sky's a subdued, cold-weather blue. I've got my phone to my ear. Actually, I just switched sides because my fingers were getting cold.

Nice.

It's about to be my favorite time of year; the stretch between Halloween and New Year's. As I'm walking, I'm talking on the phone with a friend. I'd originally texted him because I wanted to know what kinds of things he did to process big feels—what he does to sit with anger, sadness, hurt, frustration, exhaustion, etc. Truth be told, I almost Googled some examples. And, if I'm being really honest, I almost asked ChatGPT what normal people do to move through those things. I have a long list of stuff I do to self-soothe but, lately, have run into the issue of not being able to give myself fully to those activities. They're not working. Running, journaling, playing guitar, walking... my mind just hasn't been emptying like it normally does when I turn to those things. I know it takes many reps and there's no magic switch that makes big emotions go bye-bye. And it's not like I'm looking for a quick fix, either... I just want to expand my bag of tricks.

So I asked my friend.

Now, on my second lap around the block (or is it my third?), we're on the phone and he asks if he can poke a bit. I say sure. And then he hits me with "Dude, I think you need a vice." And even the crunchy leaves pause while I digest this. He goes on to explain that, since I got sober, I've sort of been walking a tight-rope of what I will and won't "let" myself do.

Huh.

"You're a good person," he said while rattling off some of the things I've been up to in the last five years. "But your down-time doesn't always need to be productive, healthy, or virtuous to prove it."

Sighing, I start walking again.

Even the bare branches wave their agreement in the afternoon autumn breeze.

* * *

When you want to face things instead of numbing them, what do you do?

onward.

For more on this daily column, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.