How could it have been that heavy? I mean, surely I would've noticed... right?

Wouldn't I?

Apparently not.

Something about airport terminals and plane rides keeps me wildly focused. Maybe it's the neurospicy combination of having plenty of people around for body doubling mixed with the consistently intermittent wifi. I don't know but, despite the occasional itch to take off my hoodie, I'm pretty engrossed in Cal Newport's book, So Good They Can't Ignore You.

It's one I started reading somewhat begrudgingly. I sort of expected to have to slog through it; you know, just to check it off the list. But that's something I never do if I can help it. After all, life's too short to read books that don't hook you. However, combing through Cal's thoughts on pursuing craftsmanship rather than chasing your passion as a means of building career capital is surprisingly validating. Letting the book fold in on itself, my gaze drifts and I end up staring into my lap, highlighter still in hand. I've been chasing something for a few years now, and that's after I'd been running from something else in the years prior. A long deep sigh surfaces from somewhere. I hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath...

Yikes, dude.

I feel... lighter. More confident in my trajectory, maybe? More aware of the ground I've covered? Tipping my head back and forth, I reason it could also be that I'm just getting an honest glimpse of the wear and tear that's come with all this for the first time. Or, it's entirely possible I'm merely facing it more willingly now. Perhaps, before, I'd been trying to dress it up and hide parts of it. Like patting myself on the head with trite words of encouragement to "keep it up."

Who knows.

Sitting here, in an airport in Texas, I'm still staring down at the half-open book but not reading any of the words. I let the sentences float back and forth between crisp and blurry. Only recently did I really and truly decide to let go of corporate marketing and just focus solely on going back to school. But, holy shit—it feels SO... liberating? It's crazy.

Looking up, my eyes dart to the window. I let out another slow breath. I hadn't realized I'd been holding that one, either. My lips purse. I can't believe how heavy everything's been. And without even noticing... I mean, I've actually been sleeping better recently. Me! I'm doing things like playing kickball without stressing about work. I've been going to shows and meeting up with friends on a whim. A couple days ago, while on a run, I stopped to just stand there and look out at the lake. No music, no podcast. No worrying about hustling back to wrap anything up. No concern for splits or Strava segments.

The truth is these past couple of years have been a real slog. Beyond the day-to-day rigors of trying to keep honing my skills and fumble my way through a particularly sludgy spell of career uncertainty, I've been chronically over-stressed and under-slept. And I've felt increasingly insecure about it all. Confident in my trajectory, yes; but nervous as hell about the timeline and the unknown stops along the way.

Survival mode. I've been in survival mode.

Damn...

I mean, what a way to live.

Smiling softly, I let myself dream a little bit. I'm in an airport, surrounded by strangers all headed somewhere else, but I'm picturing the kind of life I can build now—that I will build now. A full one beyond just work. One where I can actually discover new things and participate with people because it's stuff I want to be doing and not what I think I should be doing.

Fuck I wish I'd arrived here sooner.

But what a gift to be here now.

* * *

Where ya headed?

onward.

For more on this daily column, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.