Scanning For The Pattern

I'd been pacing through the living room of the Airbnb until a voice cut me off.

"I know you're upset with them, but you also sound... proud?"

It was dark beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows, save for the icy veneer atop the snow. I looked at the phone in my hand, registering the words that had just come out of it. Then, I lowered myself onto the couch with a begrudging sigh.

The track-lighting on the ceiling cast a soft sort of ambiance that both matched my vibe and also really didn't at the same time. Fidgeting with my ring, I realized I'd been rambling. And, my friend on the other end of the line had just made a really solid point. So as I thought more about it, I found myself staring through the window and out into the abyss. One by one, I relived some of the hardest moments of my life; scanning for the pattern my friend had just surfaced.

Wow... there it is.

And there.

Uh huh.

Yep.

Ok.

Damn.

My shoulders slumped forward (and I hadn't even realized how high they'd climbed up my neck). I'm not sure how much time passed—a couple seconds or a few minutes—but I leaned into the couch cushions instead of standing back up.

Finally, I responded.

"I'm extremely proud, actually" I said, surprising even myself with how calm I sounded, compared to before.

"And I'm also upset" I added, with yet another sigh. "Both are true... it's just that sometimes I wish my brain wasn't so quick to look for all the angles."

I stared up at the track-lights, and the small shadows behind them.

"It all makes sense. But it'd be easier to just let myself be upset if it didn't."

I pictured my friend nodding as he held the silence and let me keep going.

"I... I'm working on it."

---

Our Daily MAP Year Prompt
207/365

Do you ask yourself what other people might be feeling while you're upset? Do you make space to let yourself feel things fully?

onward.

For more on this daily column and The MAP Year Project, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.