Balancing social with solitude.
I used to be part of multiple friend groups, but not anymore... not really.
For a while, I was convinced I was doing something wrong, because I was a really social kid who became a far less social adult. "It's normal", I'm told, "life happens." But what they mean is that people get busy with stuff that's more important, or maybe just more time consuming.
Today I realized just how quiet things have become. I opened a group chat with my closest friends and cringed. This thing used to be full of chatter, day in and day out. But the last message was from over a month ago. So I pulled up another one, with a different batch of people I'd say I'm pretty close with. Same thing, no recent activity.
What the hell?
We keep in touch with who we can; I know this. It's just that I always feel like people seem to keep in touch better than I do. But do they? It used to really bother me. Then somewhere along the way it didn't as much.
Now it just bothers me that it doesn't bother me. You know?
I'm ashamed to admit I'm a bit overwhelmed these days—like, can't keep up with my own shit sometimes, let alone stay up-to-date with everyone else. I like my solitude but still feel guilty about how calm it feels. I want to call it indifference, but agree with my therapist that "fear" is a better label. So I'm reminding myself to lower my expectations of what that means. If only I could reconcile my want for self-regulation and social stimulation. But "some is better than none."
So instead of jumping into the group chat, I texted two friends to let them know I was thinking about them, and to apologize for the time between catching up.
They said the same thing.
Our Daily MAP Year Prompt
53/365
What do you do to challenge the story you tell yourself? How do you know when you're wrong?
onward.
Pass this to someone who'd relate!