Reading fiction instead of scrolling.
Last night I logged into Instagram and had an identity crisis.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I stared down at the phone in my hands. I'd purposefully not let myself lie down; this was to be quick.
I'd downloaded Instagram for the sole purpose of checking on a campaign I was helping with. Someone else was pushing the buttons, I just needed to see how it'd come out and gauge how the message landed. Quick—log in, log out.
If only it were ever that simple.
I tried to skip the lure of the feed by clicking straight to my profile.
Oh my god that was me? That guy?! He looked happy. I know he wasn’t, but damn he must’ve been a little to be able to act like that, right? Just look at me!
That wasn’t the worst of it. The part that stabbed me in the gut was scrolling through my feed. Not the garbage, but everything else. The style of it; the content, the people, the aesthetic. All of it was outdoorsy and lifestyle-driven. Faces I haven’t seen in years. Names I haven’t heard from, either. Places I haven’t been to since I left Jackson.
My god it was like a time capsule. It hurt and I hated it.
What... what the fuck am I even doing anymore?
Why???
I wish I could say I’ve resolved everything from my past. But this is what making peace with it has been like in real life. It isn't all neatly wrapped up or tucked away forever.
Most of the time, I charge ahead on the path I've chosen, putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I picture the song from the animated Rankin & Bass Christmas movie sung by the Winter Warlock. One foot in front of the other.
I stumble, I hurt, I slip, slide, fall. And I get back up, too. The thing that's made the biggest difference was learning to adjust for as slow or as fast as needed. But mostly, I just keep walking. It works.
Still, there are days when it sucks.
Looking down at my phone, I noticed how easy it was to scroll myself into feeling like shit. I felt grateful for the distance I've created between myself and the feed over the past few years. Exhaling, I put it down and picked up my book. I recently dove into another Brandon Sanderson series, The Stormlight Archive. I'm reading book one, The Way Of Kings.
Fiction, I've noticed, unlike scrolling, wires my brain to look for abundance.
Not scarcity.
Our Daily MAP Year Prompt
130/365
Do you ever notice how scrolling makes you feel? Do you do anything to change it?
onward.
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