The Price Of Existing

The price of existing is going up and I don't know what to do about it.

If you, like me, learned the right and wrong ways of being a normal person by paying extra special attention to the people around you when you were growing up, we might be the same kind of hypervigilant.

I'm exhausted. And it's not like I'm sleep deprived or juggling too many things.

I... I think I'm just overstimulated.

Hypervigilance is "a state of extreme, obsessive alertness and heightened sensory attunement, often driven by a nervous system stuck in "scan" mode for potential threats." ¹

As someone who lived (and still lives) their life that way, it takes an enormous amount of energy and, unfortunately, it works. I say unfortunately because that makes it an especially hard habit to break. I first learned the term in high school. It's something my step-sister picked up in therapy, and when she shared it with me she described it like using batteries. She'd said something to the effect of, "Some folks wake up in the morning fully charged and ready to go. As they move through their day, different things deplete different peoples' batteries in different amounts."

Whoa.

It sounded so simple when she'd said it. Like, of course—that makes total sense. For one person, maybe brushing their teeth costs a single percentage point of their battery, but for someone else, maybe it costs ten percent. Maybe that person's sick or depressed. At the time, thinking of it that way felt like an "ah-ha" moment for me because I was constantly feeling weighed down by things that seemed easy for other people. Understanding that my nervous system was always running a heightened version of danger radar—on top of anything else I did—was really validating.

Existing in busy places, where there's lots to scan, costs me a lot of battery. Going out to dinner at a restaurant isn't just an eating-and-chatting activity for me; that type of stuff can cost me a full day's battery. Or more. Which is why existing in a digital society has become so increasingly taxing. It's also why I love writing. It gives me enough distance to spend and recoup my energy at a sustainable pace while still contributing in meaningful ways.

But, I admit I'm at a total loss...

If the only way to have a long and prosperous career is to constantly engage back and forth with everyone all day every day in order to be any kind of relevant, I’m so fucked. Constant comments, replies, emails, messages etc. can't be the only option. If this is the price of existing, if it's the only way to build a readership, network for jobs, and perform well in a role… I'm honestly at a loss for what the hell I'm supposed to do.

Is anyone else completely frazzled by this way of life?

Just me?

I recently realized my only option was to accept that I can't do it; not like that, anyway. And I don't quite know what that means yet. So for now, I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

---

Our Daily MAP Year Prompt
171/365

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of something that drains your battery? How could you do it differently, or not at all?

If you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along. And if something stuck with you while reading, I'd love to know what it was.

onward.

For more on this daily column and The MAP Year Project, read the backstory here.