The second arrow theory is a Buddhist concept that describes how we often suffer twice from the same event: pain from the initial thing itself (the first arrow), and then pain from our emotional and mental reaction to it (the second arrow). The first arrow isn't what kills you—the second arrow fired does.
After months of phone tag, a friend and I got together to go hiking today. We'd both been busy and there was no hard feelings between us for it. Life happens. But while walking, we discovered we'd each felt bad about the amount of time since last seeing each other. Upon realizing this, my friend laughed and reminded me of the second arrow theory.
When life sends an arrow hurtling toward us, it hurts. And it knocks us off balance. A lot of the time, those first arrows are beyond our control—they're unavoidable. But that second arrow to strike us? That tends to come from our own doing. This is the avoidable stuff. It's the suffering we pile on with negative thoughts and self-blame.
I picked up a useful way of navigating hardship—avoidable and unavoidable—from my time as an outdoor educator and guide. Fittingly, I've called it my GPS: Grace, Pace, and Space.
- Grace – give yourself a break. You're doing the best you can.
- Pace – adjust to what you need. Some is better than none.
- Space – clear the clutter. Give yourself room to succeed.
Choosing not to fire the second arrow is a huge win. So is realizing when you already have.
onward.
-dmac