My relationship with control and capability is a work in progress. As you might know, the idea is to build up your confidence in responding instead of reacting.
I’m watching a friend’s puppy right now. He's cute, very energetic, and already bigger than most fully-grown dogs. Walking together this morning, I found myself looking up at the golden leaves—watching them wiggle lightly in the mellow breeze. He was looking down, sniffing the more accessible plant life. Then I noticed my own, elongated exhale. There was a little too much... weight to it? Especially given the idyllic scenery surrounding us.
Years ago, a therapist first introduced me to the idea of capability diffusing the urge for control. Still, I struggle with it. Sometimes I let myself believe that I don't. I imagine what it might be like if that weren't the case. But my hypervigilance doesn't have an off switch. At least not one that I've found... It just has this other part of me there to coach it back into neutral after flaring up.
The rustling leaves and soft puppy-panting pull my attention back to our walk. That's when I start thinking about this ebb and flow of taming my nervous system by wrestling it into submission. It doesn’t really come from nervousness so much as a sense of responsibility to prevent things before they happen. I've used pattern recognition since I was a kid to anticipate ways of controlling things like that. On our walk, I'm looking for cars ahead of us and listening for any coming up from behind. I'm picturing how many steps it would take me to get the pup and myself off the road if needed. There are times when this is helpful and times where it really isn't.
Trusting my gut isn't always reliable, because my gut learned to sound the alarm at the wrong times. Back from our walk, my attention pivots toward keeping the furniture puppy-free. I'm still figuring out how to reconcile my reach for control with newer, more uncomfortable, but helpful ways of doing things. This is particularly hard for me because I always seem to be on alert instead of at ease.
My hypervigilance and I are working on it.
Our Daily MAP Year Prompt
41/365
If what they said didn’t match how it made you feel when they said it, go with your gut.
onward.
-dmac