Releasing the need to present perfection.
I used to worry about which parts of myself to share. The whole thing felt risky.
I spent a lot of energy thinking about how I’d be perceived. Mostly, I'd focus on all the ways things could be misconstrued—so I could avoid any missteps.
The more I think about it now, imperfection is the real goal.
Almost 10 years ago, I woke up at 4am on Christmas morning to hike up a mountain in the dark. I stopped at the top to enjoy the sunrise with a "breakfast beer" (I was still drinking back then). Then I snowboarded back down and returned to the house. My family had all piled in under the same roof for the week, so I'd slid into an open chair at an already-full breakfast table.
In a setting where I never really knew what to say or how to say it, that morning adventure—and others like them—let me stop caring. I was content to sip my coffee in silence, surrounded by sound. I've thought about that a lot over the years. Problematic drinking aside, that version of me did not know how to cope.
As a kid I'd earned the label "well-adjusted" by family members, teachers, and parents of the other kids in my class. They'd meant it as a compliment, since I'd been able to assimilate to so many environmental changes after my parents' divorce. All I'd done was learn how to read a room and the people in it to determine what was expected of me. The rest was a performance... apparently a good one.
But it taught me to cope invisibly.
I learned to only share myself in ways that wouldn't invite criticism. I'd etched a mantra of "don't rock the boat" deep into my nervous system. For years I showed up in social settings as if the expectation was “show us something good." It's how I used to operate online too. All those years ago, I'd taken a million selfies on the top of that mountain during sunrise on Christmas. Then I'd spent longer than I'd like to admit picking one to post.
I took some selfies today, too, but was struck by how differently I engaged with the whole process. My mom doesn't like this photo but I do (sorry, mom).
I woke up early because my body doesn't know how to not do that anymore. But it wasn't 4am and I didn't then go hike a mountain. I sat and had coffee with my mom, chatted leisurely and earnestly, had breakfast, and went outside with Ava.
We took some photos with the tree and while exchanging gifts, but I like this one. We're smiling. For real. Laughing, even. She's holding a poop bag, and it shows us as we are—as this morning actually happened—without presentation.
My goal isn't to present perfection anymore, it's to be present for the imperfection.
However you spent the day today, I hope you were able to do the same. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate, and happy Thursday regardless.
Our Daily MAP Year Prompt
116/365
What's something you noticed today that you'd have completely overlooked 10 years ago?
onward.
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