Where Quantity Becomes Quality

I think my life is just a growth spiral. It wasn't always, but it is now. I'm moving forward, while somehow circling the same problem over and over. But I'm also learning more and more about it, which is... cool.

I feel like a PhD student destined to research the same thing in perpetuity: the mental roadblocks that make humans get in their own way.

Today while driving (why's it always while I'm driving?) I heard Fredrik Backman say something that jostled a bunch of stuff into place. I went back and listened to that part of the podcast at least three times. I know I talk about Fredrik Backman a lot, but this is worth it. I promise.

He's doing a press circuit for his new book right now, so he's making the rounds on podcasts and late night TV. While talking with Simon Sinek about character development, Fredrik brought up his best friend. They've known each other since they were six. He started telling stories about a few milestone moments from their lives. Like the time when they were 22 and his friend told him that they needed to see each other less because he wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend. He asked Fredrik to be happy for him—he was building a life he loved and he'd met a partner he wanted to do that with. And he wanted Fredrik to be part of that life, too. A few years later, that friend and his wife had their first kid. Twenty years later and Fredrik still talks to his best friend every day.

I listened with confusion when Fredrik told Simon that most people get this wrong.

Most people believe in quality over quantity. Not Fredrik or his friend. Thankfully Simon asked for the clarification I wanted, because Fredrik cleared things up when he said he'd rather have 100 hours with his friend on the phone each day than have a get-together once a year in-person.

Damn.

Looking out the window, I thought about that. The sun was out. This was a cool morning, but it was bound to warm up as the day went on. Soon, it'll be cold, gray, and snowy with no end in sight. A recent conversation I'd had with my therapist came to mind. I'd realized I don't actually know how to tell what I'm feeling... like, I can't name my emotions until I've intellectualized them. That's confusing for a few reasons, but first and foremost it's backwards.

I jump right into the why of what I'm "feeling" rather than letting my body feel it and tell me about things itself. So my therapist sent me this emotional literacy wheel again, just in case I'd forgotten about it. I did, but now it's my computer wallpaper so I can reach for more interesting adjectives when writing. I'm not sure that's what she was going for, but I like to think it can help me both with feeling and with showing.

The most interesting part of Fredrik and Simon's conversation was when he explained that he writes his characters in ways that help him learn. "The characters people aren't supposed to like are usually based on me" he'd said. He uses the people in his life that he admires to write the more endearing characters in his books.

He started doing that when he was a kid, after fighting with his dad. Hearing Fredrik say his dad was good words, so he always won arguments made me laugh. My shoulders lowered themselves a few inches and my chest expanded lightly. After those arguments, Fredrik would write letters to his dad that he'd never send, full of all the things he wished he'd said.

I might be growth spiraling, but I'm convinced self-compassion holds the key to alignment. Empathy is understanding. The gap between criticism and cooperation just completely fascinates me. Trying to understand something or someone only works when you know you won't, not fully. Because you can't. Choosing to try anyway is where quantity turns into quality.