Every year around this time, I face a serious moment of reckoning.
It happens whenever the sun returns and the temps start to rise. Today, that took place on the corner of my street.
I'd gone on a four-block loop with Ava after lunch. The mailman does his route through our neighborhood on foot, and we'd already passed each other twice. While Ava and I completed our circle, the mailman zig-zagged back and forth across it. The first time, we'd done sort of a polite nod with a barely audible "hi/hey." After that, he just kind of scowled when we bumped into each other. It wasn't directed at me so much as it was a reflection of his focus on his work.
But it was beautiful out today. Like, stunning... sunny and mid 60s stunning. In the middle of March in Vermont. I mean, c'mon. You're frowning? Today?? Why???
When Ava and I turned the final corner to head home, I walked straight into that annual moment of reckoning. The mailman was approaching from the other direction, and then stopped right in front of my house. I slowed to a halt with Ava. It was a brief pause; just enough to give him an unrushed moment without worrying about being confronted by an excitable dog (again).
While standing there in the sun, I took a deep breath and noticed my surroundings. I looked up and found a cardinal in the tree above me. I heard people playing soccer across the street on the same grass that was buried in snow last weekend. The scent of wet mulch filled the air. A jogger ran past. And then another.
I don't know why the mailman was scowling, but it made me realize that I think I've been scowling for months. If not outright scowling, then maybe I just haven't been smiling as much as I'd like.
At that, I shook my head.
Seasonal Affective Disorder sucks.
And Vermont is too fucking dark in the Winter.
Next year... next year's the year I track down some sun to ward off the gray fever. And when I don't, I'll face the same moment of reckoning when Spring arrives.
When's the last time you only realized you lost something when it reappeared?
onward.
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