I've long wrestled with feeling like too much.
I'm a recovering people pleaser.
I've taken many a path that twisted, doubled-back, or ended abruptly in search of finding my place and connecting with "my people" (whatever that means). It's not something I expected to come up today while taking a lunch walk around the block, either.
After the recent rain, the sun feels spectacular. I'm crunching my way along the gravel and Ava's sniffing each and every tree we come across. Can dogs smell the changing foliage you think? I've heard of dogs being able to tell when people are sick, or pregnant, so I'm sure they must be tuned into tons of other environmental changes, too... right?
I'm listening to an episode of Armchair Expert where Angela Duckworth is talking with Dax and Monica about all the shit people get wrong about grit, willpower, and making changes that stick. Angela's the best-selling author of Grit. So my feet downshifted and Ava tugged gently on the leash when I heard her admit that she got something super wrong back when she wrote it. I fix my feet and keep walking. And a few steps later it's Ava who brings us back to a halt so she can interrogate a maple tree.
"The best way to change yourself is to change your environment."
Ahhh shit.
Angela and Dax are bonding over finishing that quote in unison. For all the proven research on healthy habits, personal productivity, and ways to set yourself up to succeed, none comes close to the effectiveness of just... changing your environment. I don't even need to hear them citing the research studies—I know it to be true just from having lived it so many times. When they start talking about AA, and folks in recovery who try to "white knuckle" it but continue to struggle, (Dax is vocal about his sobriety), all I can do is sigh. Monica and Angela then springboard into how grateful Monica is for her regular girl-dinner group.
Rolling up the sleeves on my flannel, my head wobbles side-to-side as I think my way backward. I recently listened to Bill Gurley (Uber) and Molly Graham (TED) talk about peer groups and how crucial they are. It led to a difficult, but fruitful, conversation with my therapist about the book Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam, which details the importance and vitality of cultivating community. And all of that re-opened a once cast-aside box in the back of my mind that's been wondering for years if I should just move to Seattle already...
Could that be my place? Might I find "my people" there?
I still don't know if the universe sends us signs or if we're just more apt to notice things we've already been thinking about. But Ava's examining even more trees while we walk along this gravel road in Vermont.
I wonder if she'll start sniffing me next.
Maybe whatever's going on with me is old news to her by now, though.
* * *
Do you feel like you've found "your people?"
onward.
For more on this daily column, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.