I'm on my fake, morning commute as a remote worker (aka a walk around the block) when the podcast I'm listening to makes me shuffle to a stop.
The trees are budding—some are even flowering—and for a moment I'm distracted by the realization that Spring has finally sprung in full. Still, it's a little crisp and I'm wearing a jacket, but the birds are chirping and gardens are blooming throughout the neighborhood.
I'm listening to the Finding Mastery podcast, where Sam Harris and Michael Gervais are talking about honesty. It feels timely. I wouldn't have described my approach to honesty as "radical" until recently. When responding to a reader about navigating proactive mental health resources, I shared a few practices of my own before caveating their reliance on unbridled honesty with oneself.
I think that surprised me.
Sometimes, I suppose I still think of myself as the kid who fibbed to avoid getting in trouble... even though, rationally, I know I've grown into a far different person as an adult. Turning my attention away from the budding branches of the trees along the sidewalk, I start moving my feet again while replaying the last 30 seconds of Sam and Mike's conversation in my headphones. They're using the classic "do these pants make me look fat" example as a way to talk about honesty. Sam's just laid out one of the best explanations of why people lie that I've maybe ever heard. So I hit pause and keep walking while I think on it some more.
I treat being honest with myself like radical acceptance. That's a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill where you completely accept things—even the painful stuff— in order to move toward change and minimize potential suffering. It's come up in therapy, but I think I learned it most formatively when leading outdoor trips; you can't change the fact that it's raining, but you can do plenty of stuff to make it suck less.
As I'm rounding the corner back onto my street, and finishing my remote work commute, it occurs to me that I'm inclined to call my approach "radical honesty." But, almost instantly, I hate it. I'm trying to figure out why we need to use "radical" as a qualifier for acceptance in the first place... it's as if the definition of the word has become too culturally eroded.
From what I've seen, radical honesty tends to make folks very uncomfortable.
Most people might think they want honesty.
They might say they want honesty.
But, really, they want validation.
We all do to some extent.
I finished my walk lost in thought, before even realizing I'd never pressed play again on the podcast. Back inside, I'm hanging up my jacket when it clicks: more often than not, people ultimately just want to be accepted. We ask for honesty while hoping for confirmation that what we think, feel, say, see, or do is right. And the thing is, asking for honesty inherently means inviting the possibility of being wrong—daring someone to tell us that what we're thinking, feeling, saying, seeing, or doing isn't quite as accurate or acceptable as we thought.
Knowing how uncomfortable that can be, yet choosing to be honest anyway is hard. I see it as a kindness; as an opportunity to accept things as they are in order to do something about them.
You know, or not.
That choice is up to each of us.
What do you make of the term "radical honesty"?
onward.
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