Since we're just about to the finish line of the MAP Year Project, I'm going to level with you.
This morning, I'm sitting across from my therapist, which is to say I'm sitting in front of a webcam. I scooched my chair forward only to decide that, actually, I wanted to lean back again. I'm tired because I haven't been sleeping well and my thoughts feel sludgy. Thick, yet somehow wispy at the same time. And slow; they feel dull and slow.
I like my therapist.
She's looking at me with what seem to be amused eyes. Probably, because she's letting the silence build and she's using it to force me through the muck of my fuzzy-brained morning. We're chatting about how I feel particularly irked when there's a mismatch between what someone says and what they do. She's nodding. "I hate that," I tell her, and she grins.
Once I discover a mismatch like that, I can't unsee it and I struggle to let it be. Which has, time and again, proven rather problematic when it's not my mismatch to solve, and when the person whose mismatch it is has no desire to rectify it themselves.
"Sometimes" I tell her, "people avoid me because of it."
That's when she looks up from the notes she's taking. Her jaw lowers and her eyebrows raise. So, now I know I've stepped in it. She doesn't even have to say anything—that damn silence does it for her. I scooch my chair forward again and fold my hands together. Glancing up at the screen, I sigh and say "Ok touché... that's the story I'm telling myself... and I don't know if it's true."
But I don't know that it's not true, either.
I've long felt that my need to correctly label "causes" and "effects" can be cumbersome for folks. And I get it; we don't need to spend every waking moment of our lives dissecting the behavior patterns of ourselves and others. I go on to say how, sometimes, it feels like I'm "too much" in this regard. And that other people seem like they can put these "mismatches" down and forget about them altogether, if they so choose. But me? I can't.
Not easily, anyway.
Not yet.
From there, we get to talking about comparison and whether or not that's helpful here, or anywhere really. My therapist offers a gentle reminder that the ABCDE model of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is helpful for challenging disruptive thoughts, but that it's not a filter that everything needs to run through. She pauses. Then, she says that sometimes it can be effective to set aside a time for it—to live your life and then reflect back on your day for a few minutes.
"You can even write it down," she says. "A lot of people find that helpful."
Now it's my turn to smile.
"Actually, that's exactly what I've been doing."
***
Thanks for being here and being part of the MAP Year Project.
I wanted to see what would happen if I shared my own style of rethinking how I move through the world instead of telling people how they should go about it. Maybe you'd picture yourself somewhere in these stories and start wondering about different bits and pieces of your own life.
So...
If you like my writing, you just might like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, too. Because if you've been reading throughout this project, you've unknowingly been watching me demonstrate the ABCDE model.
But I've never told you that's what's been happening here.
Look familiar?
A – Activating Event: The situation or trigger.
B – Beliefs: The thoughts and/or assumptions you form about the event.
C – Consequence: Any "ruffled feathers" that follow (resulting emotions or behaviors).
D – Dispute: Challenge and question the beliefs that ruffled your feathers.
E – Effect: Any new thoughts that emerge in contrast with your original beliefs.
Do you ever use the ABCDE model—knowingly or unknowingly—in your own life?
onward.
For more on this daily column and The MAP Year Project, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.