I don't know why I never thought of it like that.
It makes so much sense...
And, it was right there the whole time.
A few days ago, my mom and I are having lunch at my place when we got to talking about a recent essay I wrote. In it, I recalled my first day of soccer from when I was a kid and, well... how it didn't go so good. We're sitting in the living room and she's across from me on the couch. She'd asked how my rec team was doing and noted the irony of me liking soccer now.
And she's not wrong.
I'm looking at her and see her eyes go wide as she's thinking back.
"It was just so bizarre" she said. "You were so outgoing and willing to try new things, meet new people; it just didn't make sense."
Sitting more upright, I cross my left ankle over my right. Mom's shaking her head ever so slightly. She hadn't seen that... that terror, and dread, and foreboding in me before. I'm not sure I had either. But it did show up again after that. And again, and again, and again. So, sitting in my living room, I look over at mom with a faux-serious expression and then ask in a mournful tone "remember the swim meet?"
Oh boy.
We both chortle a bit thinking about that. I never thought it'd be something I could benignly think back on. During my first (and only) season on a swim team, I joined a local YMCA. This was in elementary school. The coach had been new that season, too, and she was, um, rather uninvested. I was a good swimmer, which is sort of why I signed up, but I didn't know the first thing about swim meets. The day of our first one, coach didn't show up. Another coach from a different age group was apparently going to pull double-duty with their team and ours.
The air around the pool area is heavier than usual and the place packed with parents and kids. I didn't know anyone except this one other person on my team I sort of became almost-friends with. Suddenly, people are lining up in front of certain lanes, pushing past me and squeezing between each other. I had no idea where they were going or what they were doing, so I was completely caught off guard when not-my-coach started steering me toward the water and said "ok you're up."
I'm up?
What??
I'm trying to figure out what's happening and I'm asking but not getting any answers and suddenly there's a countdown and people hush and THEY'RE OFF. Not me, though. Apparently I'm part of a relay? Which side of the lane do I swim in? How many laps? What stroke? When I hit the water I know something's wrong. There's not enough motion around me—where is everyone? I'm on the verge of tears, feeling completely humiliated as I swim the wrong stroke, by myself, in front of the whole fucking place.
Back in my living room with mom, we both snap out of the same memory with that far-away look fading from our faces.
"Nobody told you the format" she says.
I... wait, what?
holy shit...
Do you approach new situations with curiosity or do you feel like you're expected to perform competency?
onward.
For more on this daily column and The MAP Year Project, read the backstory here. And if you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along.