When we first started dating, my partner mentioned I'd seemed unenthused at times or that I didn't have much conviction about plans we made or what we did.
I was shocked.
As someone who grew up in more than one chaotic household, I realized I'd learned to blend in with the wallpaper a little too well. I'd mastered the ability to dial down my external world in order to accommodate others. For years, I thought I was being polite only to learn it made me come across as uninterested.
I never dampened my inner world, though. In fact, I think the opposite happened. This morning, it came up again while talking to my therapist's floating head from my laptop at the kitchen table.
"It's not that I don't care about things like where we go to dinner," I said. "I just know I'll be ok with whichever option we go with."
Across from me on the screen, a contemplative grin had appeared. I took a deep breath and looked at the amused eyes of the floating head. That's how we landed on conflict avoidance and people pleasing; things I can rationalize, but can't seem to get past. I know I'll never eliminate them entirely, but I've been working on feeling equipped enough to move through them when they show up.
"Oh I'm with you... it's just that in those situations, I'd rather skip ahead to spending time together at dinner than on things like picking a place."
The amused smile widened, especially when they said "Derek, that was a 'yeah, but'".
Ugh.
Justifying, not owning.
It was a fair call-out.
"Can you see how not voicing your preference could sound like disinterest, and feel like not showing up?"
Damn.
Yes—yes I definitely can.
How do you handle things like conflict avoidance and people pleasing? Were you always that way? What changed things for you?
onward.
If you know someone who'd appreciate this, pass it along. And if something stuck with you while reading, I'd love to know what it was. For more on BUDS and The MAP Year Project, read the backstory here.