It's been snowing for days at this point. A soft, knee-deep blanket of the stuff means it comes all the way up to the top of Ava's four legs and floofs past her chest when she leaps through it. Today we had the added bonus of below zero temps, so it was the perfect kind of day to embrace winter-cozy-snow-globe vibes by the fire.
Naturally, I plopped myself into the reading chair with a view of the tree, the fire, and the window.
For Christmas, my mom gifted me a digital photo frame. I got her one a few years ago and every time I go over to her place she has new photos to show me. Since then, I've been saying over and over how I'm finally going to print out some of my favorite photos to put up at home. I think it'd bring me a lot of joy to have them out and walk by them every day. I just... keep not getting to it.
Well, mom found the cheat-code to make me actually do it; sort of.
Fireside in my chair, I felt myself happy-sad smiling as I combed through years of photos to upload from my phone. Friends' faces beamed up at me from memories I hadn't thought about in... far too long. The kicker was seeing myself in those images, too—pictures from backcountry trips in the Wind River range, from gaper-day shenanigans in Jackson Hole, from my friend's wedding in our early twenties. I haven't seen myself smile like that, or laugh that hard, or joke around that much in years.
I should really call them... I don't even know what I'd say, though.
I found myself trying to remember one of those posts I'd seen online with a platitude that sounded sort of like, "younger me would be psyched about how far I've come." And then I felt silly for shitting on those things in the first place. Gratitude is good and helpful and should be shared abundantly so people like me can be reminded of it.
"There was a time when I wished for what I have now" I hear myself think. They don't always tell you what it'll cost—what you'll have to give up to get it. And if they did, I certainly didn't believe them.
I wish I had.
Peeling my eyes from the fire, I returned to my photo-finding mission. That's when I felt most conflicted about the whole then vs. now thing. For all the raucous, funny, and silly scenes I'd scrolled through, I also saw something in newer photos that I didn't see at all in ones from years prior. Maybe it's me, but back then I looked like I was clinging to an escape hatch as hard as I could. Having fun, sure... but also terrified of what I'd hear if not covered up by all the laughter. Now, though? I see... a calm, stable, and confident person.
While the photos were uploading I thought more about all of this and realized those things are not opposites; it wasn't like I'd traded laughter for safety or something. In fact, I saw a lot of joy from modern me—memories from trips with my loving and supportive partner, candid moments from coffee shop catch-ups with friends, pictures of celebratory moments of work I'm proud of. There were even photos from this very Christmas; the one I got to spend with my mom because I don't live 2,000 miles away anymore.
Today was full of nostalgia. Good, sad, silly, and proud. But hunkered down in my little snowglobe-spot by the fire, gratitude's the thing I felt most.
How do you think about trade-offs?
onward.
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